living with crohn’s/ and I dread having to use the bathroom in public

ten years time
living with the disease
maybe it doesn’t get easier
I still carry the scars and self-defeat with me
but I know I am more than what I lack
a fragment of the health I used to have
a gut filled with fire
but the inflammation means I am back in my body and I feel every sensitive corner of myself and the world every symptom is a song
the pain has no end
but my heart has grown to welcome it in
I am more human than I ever have been and
I am more whole
against all odd, all logic
I hold hope of who I am and who I will become

public life and private struggles
the frustration and flares
maybe using the bathroom will always be a source of fear
I have learned what it means to sit with stillness inside the stall
and what it means to be vulnerable with the world as witness
it is an urgent and constant journey of finding a public bathroom
seeking a place of comfort
having to hold myself
in the public unknown
but the world may not be ready to hear
the public bathroom does not always feel comfortable to use
and maybe one day the world will welcome change in the places we share, too I feel anxious and alone
yet in the gaps of the stall I feel open
I hold hope for all of us
and for a public bathroom design that feels more in touch with our humanity